Getting to Know You
Asking Questions of Others
Getting to Know You
The following questions are to be asked when you want to get to know someone else more personally or deeper. This could be a friend, a member of a small group, a work team, or a romantic partner. Give a few a try.
Try to avoid, “How are you doing?” This is such a bland way to interact with others. We are so programmed to give well-rehearsed answers, such as “Great.” or “Fine” and we keep on moving. Stop and get to know someone. And then LISTEN. [By the way, FINE may simply mean: Feelings Inside Not Exposed.]
GETTING STARTED - SURFACE
Tell me about (fill in the blank). [This is a great way to get a conversation started. If you ask, “How was your day?” You might get a “Fine!” Not with “Tell me about your day.” ]
Tell me about your childhood. (David Brooks)
What are you learning? (or have been learning or reading?)
What's the best thing you've ever made or created?
What's something you're looking forward to in the next few months?
If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
What's the best thing about your job?
What's one thing you're proud of that you've accomplished?
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
What's a unique experience you've had that you'll never forget?
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
What's the best thing that's happened to you this week?
What's the most interesting place you've ever been to?
How do you like to spend your free time?
What's something you've learned recently that surprised you?
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be?
What's something you've always wanted to try but haven't yet?
Who is your hero? (Vanessa Van Edwards)
What fuels or reenergizes you? What do you absolutely love to do where you lose time?
What is the strangest thing you know too much of?
If you could change your name, what would you change it to and why?
Where is the most interesting place you've been?
Who would you like to meet for dinner and what two questions would you ask and why?
To what point in history would you like to time travel and what would you hope to witness?
If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?
“What if” questions - here are some samples
What if you could live for 200 years?
What if you could stop time whenever you wanted to?
What if you could be any animal?
What if you used a public toilet and discovered there was no paper?
What if you had to choose between great wealth or great wisdom?
“Would you rather” questions - here are some samples
Would you rather team up with Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel?
Would you rather be forced to sing along or dance to every single song you hear?
Would you rather lose your sight or your memories?
Would you rather give up air conditioning and heating for the rest of your life or give up the Internet for the rest of your life?
Would you rather go back to the past and meet your loved ones who passed away or go to the future to meet your children or grandchildren-to-be?
GETTING DEEPER - MORE PERSONAL
What’s your story? OR
What’s a part of your story that doesn’t often get told?
What is your favorite unimportant thing about you? (David Brooks)
What is it about you that no one knows about? (Peter Block)
How are you thinking (instead of how are you feeling)?
What life events, people, or encounters shaped your personality and made you who you are?
What gets you fired up?
What is THE one question that you would ask God?
Describe the kind of person with whom you would share your most important password.
What is a community to which you belong? Reflect on the footprint that you have left. (Yale)
If you have free time, what might I find you doing and where?
What job would you be terrible at?
What book, TV, or movie character is most like you, OR are you most like? (Vanessa Van Edwards)
What’s a small thing that makes your day better?
What’s the most annoying habit other people have?
What do you want to be remembered for?
If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is this chapter about? (David Brooks)
If we met a year from now, what would we be celebrating? (David Brooks)
What is the proudest moment of your life? (Vanessa Van Edwards)
What’s something a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point?
What website do you visit most often?
What is something you will never do again?
If you could make 1 rule everyone has to follow, what would it be?
What is your favorite smell?
What can you NOT get right, no matter how many times you try?
What are you really good at...but a little embarrassed you're good at it?
What keeps you up at night?
Who inspires you to be better?
If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning gold?
What do you regret not doing or starting when you were younger?’
REFLECTING ON LIFE
What was the highlight of your day (or week)?
What does this remind you of”- it opens the door for useful conversations
What was your dream job growing up?
Why did you choose your profession?
What would you change about how you were raised?
What’s one childhood memory that affects you the most today?
What is one of the most defining moments of your life?
What lessons have you learned from a regret in your life?
What book has influenced you the most?
What is the book (or books) you’ve given most as a gift, and why? Or what are one to three books that have greatly influenced your life? (Ferris)
What would you tell your teenage self if you could go back in time?
How surprised would your younger self be about who you are or how you live today?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid? (David Brooks)
Reflect on a time in the last few years when you felt genuine excitement learning about something. (Yale)
In the last five years, what have you become better at saying no to? What new realizations and/or approaches helped? (Ferris)
In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life? (Ferris)
REVEALING COMPLEXITIES
What have you created that you are most proud of?
What is an unusual habit or an absurd thing that you love? (Ferris)
What is it about you that no one knows that you would like to have said at your funeral?
What in your life currently makes you feel the most fulfilled?
What is not yet accomplished in your life that you thought would have been?
How exhausting is it when you fear that someone might find out something about who that no one knows?
What is your attitude toward failure & mistakes?
How would you use an undo button for one life event & how would you hope it changed the present?
What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success? Do you have a “favorite failure” of yours? (Ferris)
When should you have spoken up and what could you have said that would have changed that moment?
What possibly surprising things do you think about when you are completely alone?
What is one thing you're glad you tried but would never do again?
What question do you always want to ask people but don't have the courage to ask?
Who's your go-to band or artist when you can't decide on something to listen to?
In what areas of life has your perspective shifted from what you used to think to what you now think & what was the catalyst for each shift?
If I really knew you, what would I know about you?
How do think your friends describe you when you’re not with them?
Describe the door to the inner, secret room that no one has ever been allowed to enter.
When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do? (Ferris)
What's something you hated about yourself as a kid or teenager that you now consider a strength? (From a tweet)
Tell me something that’s TRUE that almost no one agrees with you on (Thiel).
What commitment have you made that you no longer believe in? (Peter Block)
What skill do you currently hold in exile? What talent do you have that you aren’t using? (Peter Block)
TEACHING/LEADING SMALL GROUPS
What surprised you today, and why?
What’s the most important thing you learned today? Why do you think so?
What do you want to learn more about, and why?
When were you the most creative, and why do you think that is?
What made you curious today? How does learning feel different when you’re curious?
When were you at your best today, and why?
(Assuming we were studying the same thing and you could decide and have access to anything), where would you start tomorrow? Why?
What are your next right steps that you could take? What might that look like?
What can/should you do with what you know/learned?
36 QUESTIONS TO FOSTER INTERPERSONAL CLOSENESS (Arthur Aron)
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest and why? What would you hope to talk about or learn?
If you became famous tomorrow, what would it be for?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
12 GREAT QUESTIONS THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF YOUR SPOUSE - PRE-MARITAL. FROM JEFF GUENTHER, LPC
What makes you laugh and cry?
What you are passionate about?
How did your family affect your growth and development as an adult?
What makes you mad?
What are your spiritual beliefs and how do these affect your life and daily choices?
What are (have been) your defining moments in life?
What is most important to you?
How do you define success?
What kind of support do you need when you are stressed or sad?
What are you most proud of about yourself?
What can instantly light you up inside?
How do you recharge your emotional batteries?
OTHER LINKS TO QUESTIONS TO ASK
25 QUESTIONS TO FOSTER DEEPER INTIMACY WITH A SPOUSE
What is one of your favorite memories of us?
What do you think is our greatest strength as a couple?
What are two things that you appreciate about me?
What is your number one current stress or fear about the future and why?
What helps you feel confident and secure in our relationship?
What is one thing you would like to change about our relationship?
What is something you would like to experience together that we haven't yet?
What do you wish I would appreciate more about you?
What is something that you would like to learn or try together in the future?
What is something I do that makes you feel loved and appreciated?
What is something that you wish I knew about you?
What is one thing you would like to tell me about yourself that you haven't yet?
What do you think is our biggest struggle as a couple?
How do you see our lives together five years from now?
What is one of the best things I have ever said or done for you?
What do you need most from me when you’re upset?
What were some things we used to do before we were married that you miss now?
What are we doing when you feel closest to me?
What are you most excited about in our relationship during this next season of life?
What would you describe as a perfect day in our relationship?
What do you see as the biggest strength in our relationship?
What do you feel has been the key to our successful marriage?
What is something you would like to improve about our communication as a couple?
What is something you would like to improve about our communication as a couple?
How do you see our relationship continuing to grow and evolve in the future?