The Dynamics of Relationships
I teach a course called, “Relational Dynamics for Family Ministry.” It’s really a master class in leadership by learning about, analyzing, and practicing the incredibly complex dynamics of human interaction. Jesus was a master at this. But why? Jesus is recorded saying on several occasions: Love your neighbor and love your enemies. Love others is easy when they are easy. Often times that isn’t our default setting. It’s counter-intuitive to love our enemies. But I think it is one of the most brilliant and insightful comments that Jesus gave while on earth. But what is behind the command? What makes it powerful? That is always the insight that I chase as I ponder on these incredible words.
The course teaches biblical principles and insights, but we seek understanding in what we have learned from psychology and neuroscience. Pastors and ministers of all stripes must seek to live the between two worlds of the Bible and what we have learned from human researched fields of study (particularly psychology and how the brain works). John Stott suggested in his book, Between Two Worlds, that we must live with the Bible in one hand and the newspaper in the other. I, therefore, encourage students to embrace that tension and seek to live in the messy middle of it.
What are the complexities that prevent us as preschoolers to tell our siblings, “I’m sorry,” after our parents demand an apology? What is going on in the mind of those faithful disciples in our churches who bulk when necessary changes must be pursued? Why do some (okay, most) resist change (of any kind)? Why are some decisions so incredibly difficult to make? Servant leaders can’t see around corners. In addition, we don’t always seek understanding as to WHY that group of people in our churches are resisting the changes we announce. What gives? And how do navigate the conflict that festers up when you get at least two people in the room who both have different ideas about how to proceed through a ministry or personal conundrum?
In addition to gaining wisdom on how to deal with people from the Bible, one of my favorite resources for my Relational Dynamics class is Chris Voss, a former FBI chief negotiator. His insights are powerful to understanding people and ultimately to be able to lead them well. His book, Never Split the Difference is one of the most insightful books I have read. This isn’t a Christian resource. However, it does help to uncover the incredibly important dynamics of human relationships.
In 2018, Chris spoke at the NY Mindshare Conference that gives a preview into the insights that can be gained AND translated to working with people in any situation.
Get the book. But in the meantime, check out this approximately 1-hour interactive address entitled, “Negotiation Skills: How to harness trust, empathy and the word ‘No.’”
