FOR COUPLES:
Getting to Know You DEEPER

Asking Questions of Your Significant Other

FOR COUPLES: Getting to Know You DEEPER

The following questions are to be asked when you want to get to know someone else deeper or more personally. This could be a friend, a member of a small group, a work team, or a romantic partner. Give a few a try.

Try to avoid, “How are you doing?” This is such a bland way to interact with others. We are so programmed to give well-rehearsed answers, such as “Great.” or “Fine” and we keep on moving. Stop and get to know someone. And then LISTEN. [By the way, FINE may simply mean: Feelings Inside Not Exposed.]

36 QUESTIONS TO FOSTER INTERPERSONAL CLOSENESS (Arthur Aron)

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest and why? What would you hope to talk about or learn?

  2. If you became famous tomorrow, what would it be for?

  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

  14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

  15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

  16. What do you value most in a friendship?

  17. What is your most treasured memory?

  18. What is your most terrible memory?

  19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

  20. What does friendship mean to you?

  21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

  22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

  23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

  24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

  25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

  26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

  27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

  28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

  29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

  30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

  31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

  32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

  33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

  34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

  35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

  36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

12 GREAT QUESTIONS THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF YOUR SPOUSE - PRE-MARITAL. FROM JEFF GUENTHER, LPC

  1. What makes you laugh and cry?

  2. What you are passionate about?

  3. How did your family affect your growth and development as an adult?

  4. What makes you mad?

  5. What are your spiritual beliefs and how do these affect your life and daily choices?

  6. What are (have been) your defining moments in life?

  7. What is most important to you?

  8. How do you define success?

  9. What kind of support do you need when you are stressed or sad?

  10. What are you most proud of about yourself?

  11. What can instantly light you up inside?

  12. How do you recharge your emotional batteries?

OTHER LINKS TO QUESTIONS TO ASK

25 QUESTIONS TO FOSTER DEEPER INTIMACY WITH A SPOUSE

  1. What is one of your favorite memories of us? 

  2. What do you think is our greatest strength as a couple? 

  3. What are two things that you appreciate about me?

  4. What is your number one current stress or fear about the future and why? 

  5. What helps you feel confident and secure in our relationship? 

  6. What is one thing you would like to change about our relationship? 

  7. What is something you would like to experience together that we haven't yet?

  8. What do you wish I would appreciate more about you? 

  9. What is something that you would like to learn or try together in the future?

  10. What is something I do that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

  11. What is something that you wish I knew about you?

  12. What is one thing you would like to tell me about yourself that you haven't yet?

  13. What do you think is our biggest struggle as a couple? 

  14. How do you see our lives together five years from now?    

  15. What is one of the best things I have ever said or done for you? 

  16. What do you need most from me when you’re upset? 

  17. What were some things we used to do before we were married that you miss now?

  18. What are we doing when you feel closest to me?

  19. What are you most excited about in our relationship during this next season of life?

  20. What would you describe as a perfect day in our relationship?

  21. What do you see as the biggest strength in our relationship?

  22. What do you feel has been the key to our successful marriage?

  23. What is something you would like to improve about our communication as a couple?

  24. What is something you would like to improve about our communication as a couple?

  25. How do you see our relationship continuing to grow and evolve in the future?

13 BRAVE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER (from Lauren Consul, LMFT)

  1. What have I been overlooking about you or from the relationship that you really want me to see?

  2. What are your biggest fears about our relationship?

  3. What do you need more of from our relationship that you aren’t currently getting or aren’t getting enough of?

  4. What is an unresolved issue between us?

  5. What would you like to change or see different in our relationships?

  6. How have I changed since we first met and how do you feel about those changes?

  7. What is something you feel that I haven’t fully accepted about you?

  8. What is it that you wish we did more often together?

  9. What patterns do you see us repeating from your family of origin that you want to break? What are ones that you want to solidify?

  10. What is something you wish I understood about you or your past?

  11. What is your earliest memory of feeling deeply connected to somebody?

  12. What is a big regret you have had in life and how do you think it has shaped you?

  13. What is one thing you have always wanted to try in our relationships but haven’t?